


teach me how to love

by zoellick



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Cheating, F/F, Getting Together, Heterosexual Sex, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Internalized Homophobia, Oral Sex, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 04:20:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19899727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoellick/pseuds/zoellick
Summary: After returning to Hogwarts to finish her N.E.W.T.s, Hermione finds that she doesn't feel the same way about Ron as she used to. Instead, she has her eye on a certain Slytherin girl.





	teach me how to love

**Author's Note:**

> tw for general internalized homophobia, non-malicious use of the d-slur and a sex scene which could be seen to lack proper consent

Hermione had always believed that she and Ron were meant to be. Soulmates. She always held on to this belief, like a prayer that pulsed through her veins. _We will get through this_ , she said to herself during the war, _we’re meant to be together_. So, she would fight, not only for the wizarding world, not only for her fellow muggle-borns but for them. And kissing Ron felt like home- it felt as if she were exactly where she was supposed to be. Until it didn’t. During the war, her relationship with Ron sustained her, his embrace was a hope and a comfort. But, after returning to Hogwarts, to as near normalcy as the trio would ever get, she felt empty…

Shallow kisses were met with cold lips and weak smiles. Ron, it seemed, was over the moon that they could be together properly this time. One time, late at night, they cuddled in bed together and he kissed her temple and promised over and over again that he wouldn’t let her go. She didn’t reply but kissed him all the same.

The guilt ate away at her every time they were intimate. But she didn’t understand herself- there must have been something wrong with her. Hermione finally got what she wanted and now what? Did she want to throw it all away? That scared her more than anything. The Ron who was alone with her was different from the Ron she saw every day. She hated how loud and boisterous he would be with the other Gryffindor boys, but she supposed that’s just how boys were. It was due to the antics that the eighth years got up to that Hermione found herself mostly alone.

It was harder, still, when she noticed herself staring at someone who most definitely was _not_ Ron. Perhaps, if she didn’t get that tightness in her stomach whenever she caught those dark eyes she never would have realised. She didn’t love Ron. Instead, Hermione found herself craving someone else… someone she shouldn’t even look at that way. It made her scared, and she felt so angry with herself for letting her think those kinds of thoughts about, well, another girl. It was wrong. Hermione knew it in her mind and her heart. But that never stopped her knees from going weak whenever they made eye contact. And they did- buckling immediately- and Ron caught her, strong arms around her and _she_ was such an idiot! What if someone saw and they caught on, what if she knew, oh Merlin, oh _Merlin_.

Hermione found herself more conscious of her actions. She hadn't realised how intimate girls could be with each other. Every time Ginny held her hand, or Parvati got changed in front of her, she could feel the guilt seep in. So, she didn’t look at them. She avoided touching them. And she never- she never looked at _her_.

They’d slept together before, her and Ron. They’d spent a lot of time naked after the end of the war. A way to reconnect, a way to recover. Most of the Eighth Year Gryffindors had gone out to spend their Saturday at Hogsmeade, maybe pick up a bit of alcohol for a party later. Hermione had told Ron she didn’t want to go, so nobly, he stayed too. It didn’t take long for them to scramble up to the boy’s dorm and whip off their clothes. “I want you,” Hermione moaned as she kissed his neck. His hand was tangled in her hair and he had this soppy grin on his face, but Hermione felt nothing. She pulled back and straddled him, hand stroking his face. Ron grabbed her tit. Hermione struggled to keep her mind on the boy in front of her, and not the elusive Slytherin with sultry eyes. Hermione fucked herself on Ron’s prick, imagining someone else’s hands on her body, on her lips. She closed her eyes and embraced the fantasy.

Hermione avoided Ron for the next week. In fact, she avoided everyone. After that Saturday afternoon, she couldn’t face anyone. Not now that she knew how she felt. Hermione had always believed that she and Ron were meant to be. It’s just, she never thought that she wouldn’t like boys. Her time out of lessons was spent in the library- huddled up in her favourite window seat, reading book after book after book. None of them helped. They told her what she already knew: that attraction to the same sex wasn’t natural. It almost broke her.

On a Thursday afternoon, during her double free period, she was found. By Pansy Parkinson. Her whole body flushed with heat. Parkinson sat opposite her, eyes just looking… Their legs were touching. “You’ve been watching me.” She said, eyes narrowing. Hermione didn’t even try to fight the blush, and just waited. “I’ve been watching you.”

“I’ve noticed.” There was a silence, and fear washed over her. There were so many things she wanted, she _needed_ , but she was so scared. She waited. They were dancing on a knife’s edge- one wrong word and they’d be dead. Hermione didn’t want to move, to breathe, she felt the air leaving her lungs slowly, like a punctured balloon. Parkinson quirked a brow and then smirked. She relaxed, leaning against the windowpane. “Why are you here?” Hermione gained the courage to talk again, the words spilling out of her mouth before she’d had a chance to think them through. The smile on Parkinson’s face faltered slightly, but she recovered quickly. Interesting… Hermione thought, realising that she must feel just as exposed at that moment as she did. Vulnerable- that was the right word.

She tucked her hair behind her ear, before answering the question. The world felt slow, sluggish, each word dripping languidly off their tongues. Hermione’s blood felt thick as she heard the reply, “I came to see you.” The blunt honesty shocked her. Whereas before, she only trod on eggshells and implications, now it was as if the bubble had popped. Loud and sharp. She looked down, feeling the heat rise on her cheeks.

“That’s-” Hermione wasn’t sure how to reply to such a statement but looked up and made eye contact. She saw Parkinson’s breath hitch and they held the gaze. “That’s very…” she adjusted her position so that they were closer together, “nice of you.” Feeling a lot more Gryffindor than she had in many months, Hermione reached out her hand, hesitantly placing it on Parkinson’s thigh. A moment later, her hand was clasped by slim fingers. She stroked circles with her thumb, her heart weak, and breathing quickly. Parkinson moved in, eyes fluttering down to her lips and Merlin that was the _sexiest_ thing Hermione had ever seen. She dove in, planting her lips on Parkinson’s red, plump lips and _kissed_ her.

And everything made sense. All the confusion and guilt dissipated until all that remained was lust and pleasure. She moved closer, pressing her body against Parkinson, sitting on top of her. All she wanted was to get closer, to feel her, to touch her. She wrapped a hand in her hair and moaned into the kiss as Parkinson snaked a hand up her shirt. Her touch felt like fire, burning her mark onto her skin. Parkinson pulled back and began kissing her neck as Hermione looked up, feeling light-headed. She was smiling- something she couldn’t remember doing for so long.

The guilt hit her just as Parkinson cupped her face in her hands. She frowned and pushed her away. _What the hell was she thinking?_ “I, uh, I can’t. I have a boyfriend.” Parkinson looked insulted.

“That Weasley kid?” She huffed, “Are you serious?” Hermione pressed a firm kiss to her forehead and Pansy looked at her, blushing. “You’ll come back?” She asked, voice small and uncertain. Hermione laughed and stood up.

“I couldn’t stay away even if I wanted to.”

Hermione got Ron on his own and sat him down. She’d forgotten what he was like when they were together… lovey… safe. Yet, she didn’t want just safe anymore, it wasn’t enough. He seemed nervous, scratching the back of his neck, attempting a half-smile. “I think we need to break up,” Hermione said, and his face fell.

“Is it because of the sex?” He asked, timidly. Hermione felt her heartbreak. “Because if it is, I just need you to know I can get better, it’s just I was a virgin before you and… and it was the first time we’d _done it_ , y’know properly-”

“It’s not the sex.” Hermione cut him off before he completely spiralled. She frowned. She loved Ron, of course, she did- he was her best friend! But she wasn’t _in_ love with him, not anymore at least. How could she even begin to explain any of this to him? Why did it have to be so fucking difficult? “We’re just not,” she struggled to think of the right word, “compatible. I don’t think. I love you and I don’t want to lose you, Ronald, I just have been feeling so guilty, you can’t understand.” Ron was staring at her, his expression unreadable.

She looked down, eyes filling with tears. They did not spill. “Guilty?” He choked out. Hermione nodded, her curls shaking and falling in front of her face. “Is there someone else?” Hermione choked out a strangled noise. There was silence. She nodded again. Another silence. She looked up again, face crumpled, and saw the anger and hurt in his eyes. He cursed and jerked his head away. “I’m so fucking dumb.” Hermione let the tears fall as she reached over to hold his hand. He snatched it away and looked her in the eyes. “Don’t you dare touch me.”

“I’m so sorry,” Hermione sniffled. It wasn’t enough, but it was all she could offer.

Ron tightened his lips as he looked upon her. She had never seen him so livid, never before. “Did you kiss him?” She nodded slowly, guilt tearing up her insides. “Fuck him?”

“Merlin, no!” Hermione interjected, “I would never do that to you!” Ron snorted, giving her a judging look. “The kiss,” she began, “the kiss was unexpected. I shouldn’t have done that, it was just so… sudden.” He rolled his eyes and Hermione wanted to cry again. “It only happened today, I-”

“Leave it.” Ron snapped. She let her mouth fall shut and waited. “Who is it?” Hermione’s blood ran cold. She shook her head quickly. She couldn’t, no, not yet, she couldn’t tell anyone. “Who is this _wanker_ kissing my girlfriend? Who the fuck is he?”

Hermione began to cry again, sobbing into her hands. It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair. She knew it was wrong to want to be with her, but it made so much more sense. She felt reborn. “Pansy Parkinson.” The words sounded foreign, sounded disjointed.

He left.

She was in Pansy’s bed, facing her and eyes closed. Pansy was stroking her cheek gently. It was soft, and new, and heavenly. Still, she felt that tug of guilt within her. Even though Ron had begun to talk to her again, it was still painful, having been only a month since their split. Whilst touching Pansy felt good, felt natural, she still had her doubts. “Do you ever feel like this is wrong?” Hermione whispered. “That this is dirty?” The finger on her cheek froze and Hermione knew she’d said the wrong thing again. The hand withdrew, and her heart sank. Then, Pansy clutched her hand and Hermione’s eyes snapped open. Her face was so close that she could just lean in and kiss her until their only thoughts were each other.

Pansy’s lips quirked up into a sad smile. “All the time. But, I’m trying not to. For years I’ve hated myself. I can’t change who I’m attracted to, but I can change how I see myself. So, I could look in the mirror and call myself a fat, ugly, dyke…. Or, I could accept that this is natural,” she smiled genuinely this time, “that this is beautiful.” A tear fell from Hermione’s eye, and she pulled her in and kissed her with as much passion as she could muster. She had to assure Pansy she understood her, that she agreed with her.

“You are beautiful.” Hermione murmured onto her lips. It was far too soon to be saying anything deeper than that. The meaning behind the words was still there, however, and Pansy smiled the soppy smile she reserved only for her. They would be all right, she decided. They would make it through, heads held high and hands intertwined.

Pansy kissed her, deep and hot. Pressing wet kisses down her jaw as she sat on top of her, beautiful as always. They grinned at each other, a laugh escaping Hermione’s mouth, silenced quickly by a kiss. They moved like they’d known each other for centuries as if their bodies were one. But it felt new, exciting like she was exploring the forbidden fruit. And that’s what Pansy was- forbidden and delicious. Pansy’s mouth trailed down her stomach and Hermione arched her back into the touch. When she was in between her legs, soft licks and intense pleasure, Hermione knew that this was everything to her. And now she knew (Merlin she _knew_ ) that her love was far more precious than anyone could understand. Her love was pure.

She came.

**Author's Note:**

> i love ron as a character so it was difficult to hurt him...
> 
> anyways thanks for reading ;)) follow me at [cesario](https://cesario.tumbr.com) and [pansmione](https://pansmione.tumblr.com) on tumblr


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